PB&J and spaghetti

are the only things i've had time/energy to forge and consume these days
soooooo much work. gross.
sometimes the idea of controlling time sounds really wonderful
oh if only i had majored in mad science.

I miss this:

blue VS pink

by: JeongMee Yoon

gender roles are creepy

being HIV positive

today I empowered myself by taking charge of my body and getting tested for HIV. go me! there was free testing on campus for students in recognition of World AIDS Day. It was very simple, you swab your own mouth. It takes 20 minutes to get the results and the duration of this is spent reviewing preventive measures, how HIV/AIDS is contracted, and talking about your sex life with the nurse, who was in my case, an old black woman. She was very kind, straight forward and informative. The kicker is that all people who were tested got nail clippers, mouth wash, condoms, a dental dam and an awareness ribbon. Overall a good experience, the real bonus was the NEGATIVE result.
The real message, at least in my opinion, is that we should all be positive about HIV and supportive of those with it. That's real empowerment and that's being POSITIVE.

State of Maryland VS Speeding

My dad is a police lt. and in the event of a speeding ticket, phone home.
The choice made between us was to face the judge and 'fess up for my sins. (I drive waaayyy too fast on back roads to get home, 64 in a 45 too fast. Funny thing was the whole ride there (previous to the ticketing) I knew I was going to get pulled over. I could feel it. It was a premonition I chose to ignore because how could I ever foresee something like that?)
Advice from my dad concerning the trial is scrawled all over the summons:

• plead guilty with an explanation, asking for probation before judgement
• " My dad is a deputy commander in Montgomery County and I'm embarrassed to say..."
• i was careless, not proud, should know better, speeding is dangerous
• ramifications of my actions, the damage speeding costs
• turning point in my life, graduation from college, paying my own insurance
• don't try to "sex up" the judge with the way that i dress
• have confidence, be mature, honest, and speak from the heart

the verdict? NOT GUILTY.
the cop didn't show. bonus, the judge was a woman.

although there was an officer there whose dock was really unscrupulous. all the speeding tickets he gave were for going 67 in a 40. all of them. real strange, don't you think? like he accidentally locked in the speed (which is right next to the trigger on the radar gun)? some unfortunate man with a wife and kid tried to argue this and failed and was ultimately fined $135 (which he had to defer) after much argument over the truth of the cops statement about checking the functionality of equipment. i don't know what area he was running this radar in, but almost everyone on his dock was lower income and all of them had to pay $135...

scaredy cat

I'm afraid of everything. Really. Did you know the world turns around in one day? And still it never ends in the same place it started.
I think the future is just about the scariest concept to ever press upon me and I can't seem to find time to catch my breath.
My fears push so much farther past this, beyond the future and unavoidable concepts like time. I am afraid of so much. Just alone, inside of me, is so much fear that I can't really remember what I look like half the time.
I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the past. I'm afraid to face every mistake I've made, every crime I've committed. I'm afraid that I won't overcome all my faults. I'm too afraid to committ to overcoming my flaws. I'm afraid I'll never succeed. I'm too afraid to try. I'm afraid to show people who I really am. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to look forward. I'm too afraid to think about some things for too long. I run from my own thoughts.
I can't picture anything beyond tomorrow. I can't see myself anywhere in this world 10 years from now, 5 years from now, 2 years from now. I can't seem to overcome my fears because I'm too afraid of whats on the other side.

I really can't get a grip on this spinning world and it scares me to death. I'm having trouble breathing.

Addictions

American Elf
a daily webcomic about the very cool and very famous James Kochalka (going on 10 years!)
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
MWF webcomic about a ninja who becomes a doctor -- two very conflicting occupations
Toothpaste for Dinner
hilarious daily webcomic
Married to the Sea
edits of old drawings, webcomic, also daily

more can be said about the different kinds of humor and the functioning of webcomics, but first impressions are due

perception

according to a friend:

"just remember that the world around us, an within us, is always our own perception, and we can perceive it as good or bad. whether we see it as good or bad doesn't ever affect what it is, it only affects how we feel about it
life is what it is, and you can either be upset about it or ultimately okay with it, that doesn't change what it is, it only changes how happy you are about it."

its pretty practical, while many strange and curious discussions of "perception" exists. this is just advice, from one friend to another, about pessimism and optimism.

mater: fr. Latin. meaning mother

this is a material world

"i will sleep
to mold a mask of dreams
to wear to tomorrow's festival

no one will recognize me
they will all mistake me
for someone other
than themselves"

"i once wrote out of loneliness
and into it

please, not now, love
i'm suffering

somebody dipped this soul
in Christian batter
fried it

and then
made the mistake
of trying to serve it back to me

as if
i wouldn't taste my own being
obscured by a confectionery sugar"

"invisible scars
take the longest
to heal"

I love Saul Williams the poems and beat poetry, both. Don't make me have to explain it.

it's been

36 hours since i was last alseep. and i'm afraid to get in bed.

a little heart felt

shout out to: my cousin roman, and my friends, brian, rachel, matt, tyler, as well as, various others i visited in college park this past weekend.
good music, good poetry, good company.
my honorary toothbrush has not been faithful...

christine, someone played a tribute for you.

liar liar pants on fire

sometimes people get suckered into crappy television, but i don't have cable thusly i get suckered into crappy internet articles

True lie #3: The more attractive you are, the more people will lie to youSocial psychologists Wade Rowatt, Michael Cunningham, and Perri Druen showed people photos of possible dates who were either considered to be very attractive or rather unattractive. Along with each picture was info about the person’s beliefs and preferences. When subjects were asked who they thought they’d get along with on a date, subjects lied most about their own beliefs and characteristics when faced with the prospect of an attractive date

True lie #7:Think liars don’t care about other people? Often, just the opposite is the caseOne of our stereotypes about liars is that they’re cold, scheming, manipulative, and don’t really care about people. Some liars really are that way. But far more people lie because they do care. Liars are frequently tempted to fib when they think that other people would not like them just the way they are. So they lie and pretend to be different so that other people will like, respect, or care about them more.

True lie #9: Even after lying to their romantic partners, liars claim that they are not bad peopleKaplar and Gordon found that people who lie to their romantic partners do typically feel guilty about their lies. But they do not think that they are bad or even dishonest people. Instead, they think of themselves as basically honest people who got caught in a bad situation.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=11994310&page=1

In case of dystopian society...

buy steroids
grow a beard
join the circus

bike route

baltimore city
a fantastic place to bike
i really love doing this +
espcially at night
= probably a bad combination, that my poor judgement leads me to think is good



seriously though, i really enjoy biking in the city wether its out of necessity or for fun.

the other evening i was feeling kind of down and ended up blowing off a friend b/c i couldn't get my shit together for various reasons. so when i called to apologize and explain, he very kindly asked me for a bike ride. get my endrophines up, enjoy myself etc.

so we went on a bike path that went through the city i fell in love with. we started in mt. vernon where he lives and went down to middle branch park and back. we went through some pretty strange areas and i'm pretty sure we biked past a meth lab.

oh, baltimore, i love you.

she didn't even blink

i'm not very affectionate person
and i'm sorry to say it
i just find human touch to be unsettling sometimes
my mother is the same way
if i really like a person its more than automatic, somewhat complusive to be affectionate, but that person really has to matter.

so i have come to greatly admire my cousin rachel. who is overly affectionate in all the right ways. shes heartwarming and loving and i love being around her.
something that has always impressed me was the time she had something in her eye. she walked up to me like it was the most normal thing in the world and put her face in mine and pulled down her low-lid and asked, "is there something in my eye?"
and there was and she asked me to get it out for. she stood there and didn't even blink as i gladly stuck my finger in her eye (very gently) and fished out the eyelash. she didn't blink because she trusted me.
trust, affection, love.

the piano

And the wind said,
"Remember how we used to play?"

Then the wind took her hand and said,

"Come, come with me."

But she refused.

.

.

.

"One day when my mother and father were singing together in the forest, a great storm blew up out of nowhere. But so passionate was their singing that they did not notice, nor did they stop as the rain began to fall, and when their voices rose for the final bars of the duet a great bolt of lighting came out of the sky and struck my father so that he lit up like a torch. And at the same moment my father was struck dead my mother was struck dumb! She never spoke another word."

.

.

A very good movie.

chin up

detoxing/leaving all the poisionous aspects behind
breathing deep and keeping my head up

tampons n' teabagging

Terran: Nah. They usually just rub their ballsweat on my face and then leave me alone. They're pretty cool about it.
Me: oh so you get the extra kick in the pants w/ the teabagging
Me: very nice
Terran: It comes with the territory.
Me: typical
Terran: Yeah. It's a guy thing.
Me: we ladies just leave trails of tampons
Me: they lead to chocolate and nail polish
Terran: Well that sounds...very pleasant!
Me: its quite the set up

Oh...

How I love the reassurance that we're all human.