PB&J and spaghetti

are the only things i've had time/energy to forge and consume these days
soooooo much work. gross.
sometimes the idea of controlling time sounds really wonderful
oh if only i had majored in mad science.

I miss this:

blue VS pink

by: JeongMee Yoon

gender roles are creepy

being HIV positive

today I empowered myself by taking charge of my body and getting tested for HIV. go me! there was free testing on campus for students in recognition of World AIDS Day. It was very simple, you swab your own mouth. It takes 20 minutes to get the results and the duration of this is spent reviewing preventive measures, how HIV/AIDS is contracted, and talking about your sex life with the nurse, who was in my case, an old black woman. She was very kind, straight forward and informative. The kicker is that all people who were tested got nail clippers, mouth wash, condoms, a dental dam and an awareness ribbon. Overall a good experience, the real bonus was the NEGATIVE result.
The real message, at least in my opinion, is that we should all be positive about HIV and supportive of those with it. That's real empowerment and that's being POSITIVE.

State of Maryland VS Speeding

My dad is a police lt. and in the event of a speeding ticket, phone home.
The choice made between us was to face the judge and 'fess up for my sins. (I drive waaayyy too fast on back roads to get home, 64 in a 45 too fast. Funny thing was the whole ride there (previous to the ticketing) I knew I was going to get pulled over. I could feel it. It was a premonition I chose to ignore because how could I ever foresee something like that?)
Advice from my dad concerning the trial is scrawled all over the summons:

• plead guilty with an explanation, asking for probation before judgement
• " My dad is a deputy commander in Montgomery County and I'm embarrassed to say..."
• i was careless, not proud, should know better, speeding is dangerous
• ramifications of my actions, the damage speeding costs
• turning point in my life, graduation from college, paying my own insurance
• don't try to "sex up" the judge with the way that i dress
• have confidence, be mature, honest, and speak from the heart

the verdict? NOT GUILTY.
the cop didn't show. bonus, the judge was a woman.

although there was an officer there whose dock was really unscrupulous. all the speeding tickets he gave were for going 67 in a 40. all of them. real strange, don't you think? like he accidentally locked in the speed (which is right next to the trigger on the radar gun)? some unfortunate man with a wife and kid tried to argue this and failed and was ultimately fined $135 (which he had to defer) after much argument over the truth of the cops statement about checking the functionality of equipment. i don't know what area he was running this radar in, but almost everyone on his dock was lower income and all of them had to pay $135...

scaredy cat

I'm afraid of everything. Really. Did you know the world turns around in one day? And still it never ends in the same place it started.
I think the future is just about the scariest concept to ever press upon me and I can't seem to find time to catch my breath.
My fears push so much farther past this, beyond the future and unavoidable concepts like time. I am afraid of so much. Just alone, inside of me, is so much fear that I can't really remember what I look like half the time.
I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the past. I'm afraid to face every mistake I've made, every crime I've committed. I'm afraid that I won't overcome all my faults. I'm too afraid to committ to overcoming my flaws. I'm afraid I'll never succeed. I'm too afraid to try. I'm afraid to show people who I really am. I'm afraid to be myself. I'm afraid to look forward. I'm too afraid to think about some things for too long. I run from my own thoughts.
I can't picture anything beyond tomorrow. I can't see myself anywhere in this world 10 years from now, 5 years from now, 2 years from now. I can't seem to overcome my fears because I'm too afraid of whats on the other side.

I really can't get a grip on this spinning world and it scares me to death. I'm having trouble breathing.